---
title: "Read the deviation, not the gesture"
description: "Crossed arms or looking away say little on their own. If you want to read people, first look at how someone normally is and then notice what deviates from that."
language: en
source: https://coachsteff.live/en/lees-de-afwijking
---

# Read the deviation, not the gesture

I once sat at a table with the CEO of a company where I was going to deliver a leadership programme. The conversation with HR had gone smoothly. Then he came in, clearly stressed, sat down, opened a folder and said: go ahead. While I was talking, his eyes constantly darted in all directions. After a few minutes, he closed the folder. 'I know enough.'

I knew at that moment that the conversation was not going well. And I also knew why.

## The normal dynamics of a conversation

In a normal conversation, certainly in our Western culture, the speaker looks in all directions. That makes sense, because they are building a story. The listener does the opposite. They make contact and hold it, because they do not want to miss anything.

With that CEO, it was the other way around. I was talking, and he looked away. He was not listening, he was in his own thoughts. So I said, while he was already half standing up, that I still had a few questions. Because I noticed that something was occupying his mind, something he hoped to hear and had not asked about yet.

He looked at me. 'You can read my mind, can't you?' I briefly explained what I had seen. His answer: our people need to be able to do this too.