4 articles
-
Read the deviation, not the gesture
Crossed arms or looking away say little on their own. I first look at how someone normally is, and then I pay attention to what deviates from that.
I once sat at a table with the CEO of a company where I was going to give a leadership programme. The conversation with HR had gone smoothly. Then he came in, clearly stressed. He sat down, opened a folder and said: go ahead and tell me. While I was talking, his eyes constantly darted in all directions. After a few minutes, he closed the folder. 'I know enough.'
I knew at that moment that the conversation was not going well, and I also knew why.
At the bottom of this article you will find a prompt with which you can have AI make a small observation sheet for you to practise this.
Free with an accountRead -
Two sides of yourself, one in each hand
You rarely solve an inner conflict by choosing. With the Visual Squash you look for what both sides of yourself want, and that is often the same thing.
A participant stood at the front with her hands open in front of her. I asked her to describe the two sides in her own words. In one hand she placed the part of herself that gives a lot to her family. In the other hand she placed the part that wants to do everything herself and finds it hard to let go. Then I asked her to slowly bring her hands together. Halfway she stopped. Her arms tensed up and her fingers trembled. 'That creates friction', she said.
I then said: 'Okay, that is the first step.' You recognise the two sides, and you feel that they clash.
Free with an accountRead -
Your feeling comes first, your mind comes afterwards
Our feeling is already there before we start thinking. I explain how that works, and why emotional awareness actually begins in your body.
Last week in a workshop on emotional intelligence I talked about the house you buy. You go to visit it and you stand in the living room. And somewhere inside you it thinks: I am going to feel good here. At that moment the decision has actually already been made. The calculation only comes later.
At the bottom of this article is a prompt that helps you to notice where a feeling is located in your body.
The illusion of the rational person
We like to live in the belief that we are rational beings. We think that we constantly make conscious choices. But that is actually not correct. What ends up in your shopping trolley is largely impulse. And the biggest financial decisions in a human life are exactly the ones most driven by emotion. I am thinking of the house and the car. If you were to buy a car purely on features, it is perfectly comparable to others. And yet you buy that specific one, because it looks nice.
Free with an accountRead -
Use their words, not yours
If you repeat someone's words in your own words, the connection breaks for a moment. Why I reflect things literally, even in an age of chatbots.
This week I gave a workshop on emotional intelligence. In it, I did a short demonstration with a participant. Afterwards, we discussed with the group what had happened. Most had seen that I adjusted my posture. What stood out less was actually the most important thing. I had used her words, literally.
At the bottom of this article you will find a prompt to check which words you adopted after a conversation.
Paraphrasing feels like listening
We all learn that listening well means summarising what the other person says. And you do that in your own words. That is called paraphrasing, and it seems respectful. You show that you have understood it, and that you have even processed it.
Read